Is Fighting Normal in Healthy Relationships?
Is fighting normal in healthy relationships? The short answer, yes. The long answer, well, it’s a bit more complex than that. At a certain point in a relationship, couples are going to start disagreeing. These might be small disagreements, or even larger disagreements that we might consider to be fights rather than a simple argument or spat. Now, some couples may be reading this and thinking, we never fight, or you may be reading this thinking “isn’t it better to never fight?”. And while not fighting at all may seem like a positive, and it very well can be, it can also be an indictor that one partner is keeping their thoughts and opinions to themselves in order to minimize conflict. Remember, conflict is not always bad. It can be a way of getting to know our partners likes and dislikes, wants and needs, and triggers. By learning these things we can learn to be better partners, how to avoid triggering them, and how to make them more comfortable in otherwise uncomfortable situations. It is also important to remember that by hiding our true feelings and emotions, we are unconsciously building resentment towards our partner, and harming ourselves emotionally by never allowing to have our own needs met. Now, this is not to say that every time you disagree you need to say something, there’s a reason the saying “pick your battles” is so famous, because it’s right. Ask yourself, am I minimizing my emotions right now or am I simply allowing my partners wants and emotions the space they need? On the flip side of this we have couples who may find themselves fighting often, and the definition of this may vary depending on who you are. It may mean once a month, once a week, or once a day. Now, this may be an indicator of many things; an outside source of stress that is being carried into the relationship, a past trauma that is being triggered, an incompatibility, or miscommunication within the disagreement. Ultimately, it is up to you and your partner to sort out which of these it is or if it is something else entirely. What is important here, once this has been figured out, is learning how to communicate effectively during the fight, and coming together as a couple after the fight. I once read n article about an elderly couple who had been together for over 40 years, and when they were asked how, their advice was this, “always show you love each other, even when you’re fighting”. This is the best advice I can pass on to you now, always love each other, even when you’re fighting. Communicate in ways that benefit both you and your partner, don’t use hurtful language, take a step back to hear what your partner has to say if you need to, and most importantly, reflect on the fight and come back together in love after it is all said and done. Remember, each relationship is different, and this advice should be applied how you best see fit and is not a one size fits all.